07 – Family Dysfunctions
Series: Roy Kaplan
Season: Out of Sight
Release Date: March 22, 2025
Episode Summary: A ghost wants Kaplan to find out who killed him and bring them to justice. What originally looks like a straightforward case quickly becomes entangled in the family’s strained relations.
PRODUCTION CREDITS:
ORIGINAL SCRIPT: Jesse Peng
EDITING and PRODUCTION: Jesse Peng
COVER ART: Jesse Peng
MUSIC: Beacon
VOICE CAST:
KAPLAN: Jesse Peng
WES: Caleb Jensen
MILES: Mike Castoro
INGRID: Rebecca Clifford
EOIN: Dan Robinson
BUTLER: Madeleine Hamley
NURSE: Melissa Bowens
Special thanks to our $10/month Patreon subscriber, Jennifer Ford :)
06 – Random Access Memory | Roy Kaplan Home | Out of Sight Home | 08 – Sleep Well, My Darling
OUT OF SIGHT: FAMILY DYSFUNCTIONS
INTRO: The show so good even ghosts can’t wait to hear it–it’s Roy Kaplan, Private Investigator!
(INTRO THEME.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Kaplan speaking. Sometimes, people ask me if it’s weird to see ghosts, and I never really know how to answer that. I’ve seen ghosts for most of my life; I don’t really remember what it’s like to not see them. Some other people have asked me if being able to talk to ghosts makes doing this detective stuff easier, and, uh. That’s kind of a mixed bag. When you talk to enough ghosts, you learn that dying doesn’t make you wiser or kinder or more honest–it just makes you dead. You’ll find that ghosts are just as ready as the living to drag you into their family dysfunctions.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) I was doing an overnight shift at the West Side food dispensary. It’s a good way to fill my monthly quota for community service hours, and the people there are decent. It was a pretty hectic night, so I was tired by the time dawn hit and was hoping to get a few hours of sleep. Unfortunately, ghosts rarely care about my schedule.
(FOOTSTEPS.)
MILES: (OFF) Kaplan! Where are you? I need to talk to you, so get your ass out here and show yourself!
KAPLAN: (Muttering) Oh, one of these.
MILES: Hello? I know you’re somewhere around here! Kaplan, hello?
KAPLAN: Stop making so much noise, you’re giving me a headache.
MILES: Oh. Are you…Kaplan?
KAPLAN: Roy Kaplan, that’s me. Who are you and why do you need me so bad?
MILES: My name is Miles O’Shaughnessy. I’m dead.
KAPLAN: Yeah, and what do you expect me to do about it? I can’t make you any less dead.
MILES: I need you to find who killed me!
KAPLAN: And you think I’m the best person to do that? You know I’m not law enforcement or anything, right?
MILES: But you’re some kind of detective, aren’t you? You’ve solved other people’s murders, plenty of them.
KAPLAN: What? How do you know that? How long have you been dead?
MILES: A few days. Kaplan, nobody’s found my body yet. If it goes any longer, there won’t be a body to investigate anymore. You’ve got to help me.
KAPLAN: Where the hell did you die that your body’s been laying out for a few days and nobody’s found it?
MILES: It’s on my family’s estate. We have a wooded area, and my body’s been there.
KAPLAN: Oh, so you’re a rich dead person. I see. Well, Mr. O’Shaughnessy, I can come take a look, but I’ll need a shuttle to get to the outer city.
MILES: That means you’ll help? Right now?
KAPLAN: Give me like six hours and I’ll meet you out there.
MILES: Six hours? This is my murder we’re talking about!
KAPLAN: Yeah, and you’re not getting any more murdered. If your body’s been there this long, six more hours won’t make a difference. Let me sleep and call someone for a ride, then we can go look at your dead body.
KAPLAN: (V.O.) O’Shaughnessy made some more noise, but no matter how much he yelled at me, he was dead and I was alive, and alive people need sleep. I got a few hours of shut-eye, then called up an old client to get a shuttle and ask if he knew anything about the O’Shaughnessy family–rich people tended to run in the same circles. From what I could tell, the O’Shaughnessys mostly kept to themselves. It was a small family with only the patriarch and two children–a daughter and a son, both in their late thirties. The patriarch never left the estate–he’d been sick for a long time and didn’t like people. True to O’Shaughnessy’s word, nobody had heard anything about a death out there yet. I didn’t think O’Shaughnessy was lying about being dead–he was a ghost, after all–but it was definitely one of those things I had to see for myself.
(DRIVING, THEN STOP. KAPLAN EXITS CAR.)
KAPLAN: Thanks for the ride. I’ll give you a call when I’m done here.
(KAPLAN CLOSES CAR DOOR. FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: (Deep breath) Always so weird to come out to the outer city. It smells different–because of the trees, I guess. You like trees, don’t you, Wes?
WES: I don’t really like them. I just miss them, sometimes. I grew up in a place with a lot of trees.
KAPLAN: Then this must be nostalgic for you.
WES: Not really. This isn’t much of a woodland. Not the right kind of trees, either.
KAPLAN: Well, damn, you didn’t have to tag along if you were just going to complain.
WES: I didn’t say I didn’t like it. It’s just not very much like home.
KAPLAN: I bet not. All those hundreds of years makes a difference. That looks like the O’Shaughnessy mansion up there. Nobody at the gate, though. I wonder what the family’s like.
(KAPLAN AND WES WALK TO GATE.)
WES: I knew an O’Shaughnessy once.
KAPLAN: No relation, I’m sure.
WES: Probably not. This was back when I was still alive. The O’Shaughnessy I knew was a chronic liar. I’m not even sure that was her real name.
KAPLAN: Well, hopefully these O’Shaughnessys are a little better.
(GATE BUZZER.)
BUTLER: (FILTER) Hello. Who is this?
KAPLAN: Good morning. I’m Roy Kaplan, a private investigator. I was contacted about a potential incident on the estate grounds. I was hoping to investigate.
BUTLER: (FILTER) Who, exactly, hired you?
KAPLAN: One of the O’Shaughnessys. It won’t take very long, I promise.
BUTLER: (FILTER) Very well, I will meet you outside.
KAPLAN: Thanks, I appreciate it.
(INTERCOM SHUTS OFF.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) That gave me a few minutes to cool my heels. It was weird, being on the estate–there was lots of grass and trees and plants that were probably really expensive to keep presentable, and you could see practically the whole sky instead of just a slice of it. I could see downtown and the bay, and behind me I could see mountains in the far distance. Maybe back in the old days, there had been settlements all over that land, but now it was all gone like it’d never been there. I guess I could understand why someone might enjoy the view. Seeing all the landscape made it feel like you could go walk out there yourself, radiation poisoning be damned. Mostly it made me feel agoraphobic.
(FOOTSTEPS.)
MILES: There you are. It’s about time. Who’s this joker?
KAPLAN: Hello, O’Shaughnessy. This is Wes, a friend of mine. Wes, this is O’Shaughnessy, the ghost we’re helping today.
WES: How do you do.
MILES: You’re friends with a ghost? What the hell for?
KAPLAN: Well, why not? They’re good company when they’re not a massive pain in the ass.
MILES: You look like you got lost on your way back from a costume party.
KAPLAN: Wes died in the twentieth century.
MILES: Really? A piece of living history we’ve got here. Well, not living, I guess.
KAPLAN: Never mind that. Where’s your body?
MILES: We have a creek that runs behind the house. It’s around there.
KAPLAN: All right, I’ll take a look. I think that’s someone now.
MILES: Good, now we can finally get something done.
(BUTLER APPROACHES.)
BUTLER: Mr. Kaplan, I presume? I am Ellis Whately, the butler of the O’Shaughnessy estate.
KAPLAN: A pleasure.
BUTLER: I’ll open the gate now, sir.
(GATE CREAKS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS.)
BUTLER: Where do you need to go, Mr. Kaplan?
KAPLAN: The creek behind the house. I’ve been informed I’ll find something there.
BUTLER: I see. I don’t believe you’ll find anything, but I can escort you there.
(BUTLER AND KAPLAN WALK OFF. FOREST AMBIANCE.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) The butler was the quiet type. I guess most of them are. They took me back behind the house while Wes asked O’Shaughnessy some questions about the estate. I tuned most of it out–it wasn’t important.
(FOOTSTEPS, THEN A SLIP ON THE ROCKS.)
KAPLAN: Woah!
BUTLER: Watch your step, Mr. Kaplan. The ground here can be slippery, especially after the rain last week.
KAPLAN: Yeah, I’m seeing that. Why would anyone ever come out here?
BUTLER: They generally don’t, sir.
MILES: My body’s just a little bit further, assuming nothing’s eaten it.
KAPLAN: There’s animals in these woods?
BUTLER: Not many. It’s mostly birds and small mammals. We have to lay traps to keep the populations under control. There used to be deer several years ago, but disease wiped them out.
KAPLAN: Yeah, I can imagine. The radiation probably wasn’t good for them. Is that–I think I see something.
BUTLER: Be careful!
(KAPLAN CLIMBS DOWN THE ROCKY BANK.)
KAPLAN: Well, would you look at that.
BUTLER: Sir, that’s…that’s Miles. He’s dead!
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) He sure was. His corpse looked a lot worse than most dead bodies I ran into–even after a few days. He’d been left in the middle of a forest after all, with lots of insects and other animals who might try to get a quick bite out of him. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll let you know it did not smell fantastic.
BUTLER: Sir, how did you–how did you know he would be here?
KAPLAN: I got a report. Maybe you ought to contact the garda.
BUTLER: Yes, of course. Give me a few minutes, I’ll be right back.
(BUTLER HURRIES OFF.)
KAPLAN: You’re being quiet, O’Shaughnessy. Nothing to say?
MILES: What do I need to say? That’s my body and it’s all messed up. (PAUSE) Neither of you look very surprised to see a corpse.
KAPLAN: You’re not the first dead person we’ve seen. Not the worst one, either. Let’s get a closer look before the garda arrive.
(FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: I’m not seeing any major wounds. Wes?
WES: I’m not seeing much, either. Miles, how did you die?
MILES: I was strangled to death.
KAPLAN: In a place like this?
MILES: No, I was killed somewhere else. Whoever killed me must have dumped my body by the creek because no one comes here. Only someone from the estate would know that.
KAPLAN: So that narrows down the suspects. You’ve no idea who killed you?
MILES: It was dark. I think I remember grabbing onto something before I died. Here…
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Miles ducked down and opened the corpse’s fist. That made me pause, because ghosts–especially new ghosts–are usually intangible. You’ve got to be a pretty special kind of person to be a ghost that can touch things. Miles picked something out of the corpse’s hand and held it out.
(MILES GRABS A SMALL ITEM.)
MILES: Look at this thing.
KAPLAN: What is this, a jewel? No, it’s got a hole on the back. Is this a button?
MILES: I must have ripped it off when they were strangling me.
WES: That’s pretty convenient.
MILES: What’s that supposed to mean?
KAPLAN: Wes means it’s good that you have some kind of identifying evidence on you. This is a pretty distinctive button. I don’t think there’s a lot of people with one of these.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.)
BUTLER: I’ve contacted the garda. They should be here within the hour.
KAPLAN: Great. I don’t know how much they’ll be able to do with this, but it’s good of them to do their jobs every once in a while. You mind if I ask you some questions?
BUTLER: Not at all, sir.
KAPLAN: Fantastic. You got any idea who might want to do this to O’Shaughnessy?
BUTLER: No. Miles was hot-headed sometimes, but it wasn’t like he had enemies or anything.
KAPLAN: I see. And how’s the situation with the rest of the family? Did he get along with them?
BUTLER: Well, he’s clashed with Ingrid before.
KAPLAN: Ingrid O’Shaughnessy? That’s the older sister, right?
BUTLER: Yes. They’ve always had a bit of a rivalry growing up. Surely you don’t think Ingrid killed him, do you?
KAPLAN: I’m not thinking anything. I’m just trying to get some information, that’s all. And what about the old man?
BUTLER: Eoin? He can’t have done it–he can barely walk.
KAPLAN: Yeah, I heard he was sick. Does someone take care of him?
BUTLER: There’s a live-in nurse who’s here six days of the week.
KAPLAN: Six? Not seven?
BUTLER: On the seventh day, either Ingrid or Miles visits to take care of him. Ingrid was supposed to be here last week, but she never showed. Eoin had to call me.
KAPLAN: Really? Any idea why she skipped out?
BUTLER: I don’t know. She’s never done it before, but she moved into the city recently. Maybe she was so busy she simply forgot, but that’s just not like her.
KAPLAN: And what day was this, that Ingrid was supposed to visit?
BUTLER: Six days ago, sir.
KAPLAN: Interesting. Thanks for the help.
BUTLER: Do you have any idea who could have done this?
KAPLAN: Not yet. I think I’ll talk to Ingrid next.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) I left with Miles, while Wes stayed at the mansion to look around some more. Miles showed me to his sister’s new house, just outside the inner city. It was no mansion like the enormous eyesore I’d seen on the estate, but it was still an expensive house that was at least five times the size of my apartment. What do people do with all that space? I don’t get it.
KAPLAN: Your sister lives here alone? Surely this is too big.
MILES: Big? This dump is tiny.
KAPLAN: Oh, right, you’re a rich person, too.
MILES: (Offended) What’s that supposed to mean?
KAPLAN: Don’t worry about it. Let’s hope your sister’s home.
(DOORBELL. DOOR OPENS.)
INGRID: Yes? Who are you?
KAPLAN: I’m Roy Kaplan, a private investigator. You’re Ingrid O’Shaughnessy?
INGRID: I am.
KAPLAN: Your brother is dead.
INGRID: I–what?
KAPLAN: We found Miles’ body about an hour ago near the creek behind your family’s home. Do you mind if I come in and ask some questions?
INGRID: Um, I guess you can, but…dead? I just saw him last week!
KAPLAN: Yes, well, murder does tend to happen rather suddenly.
INGRID: Miles was murdered?
(KAPLAN ENTERS. DOOR CLOSES.)
KAPLAN: That’s what it looks like, Miss. You said you saw your brother last week? What happened?
INGRID: Happened? Nothing happened, he just came over to talk.
KAPLAN: Is that true, Miles?
INGRID: My name is Ingrid. Miles is my brother.
KAPLAN: I know. Just give me a second. Miles?
MILES: Yeah, I visited a week ago after she moved in. The old man isn’t gonna last much longer, and she doesn’t like him, so I asked her about what she wants to do about the inheritance when he croaks. She wasn’t happy about it.
KAPLAN: I see. The two of you discussed your inheritance?
INGRID: What–How in the world did you know that?
KAPLAN: Just a hunch. Are there problems with the inheritance?
INGRID: No, it’s fine. Miles was just making trouble like he always does. He left fast enough.
MILES: Of course I did. She never listens to me.
KAPLAN: Not a lot of love lost there, huh?
INGRID: We’ve never really gotten along.
KAPLAN: I’m getting that idea. Did he talk about anything else?
INGRID: Well…he offered to switch weeks with me.
KAPLAN: Switch weeks?
INGRID: Taking care of Pa. Usually I’ll do one week and he’ll do the next, but Miles wanted to switch last week because I was busy moving house.
KAPLAN: Your butler said you were supposed to be there last week.
INGRID: What? That’s not true! Miles said he’d let Ellis know we switched.
KAPLAN: I’m just telling you what I heard.
INGRID: I’m not lying. Miles and I switched last week.
KAPLAN: Okay, sure. You switched with your brother last week. And what did you do last week if you weren’t taking care of your dad?
INGRID: I was here, working on the house.
KAPLAN: And can anyone else attest to that?
INGRID: I have a girlfriend. She lives here too.
MILES: You have a girlfriend!?
KAPLAN: Ow. Don’t shout in my ear. You have a girlfriend?
INGRID: I do. She’s not here right now, but I can call her.
KAPLAN: I’ll do that a little later. First, does this button look familiar to you?
(KAPLAN SHOWS BUTTON.)
INGRID: I…yes, actually. This looks like the one from my coat. Where did you get this?
KAPLAN: Your brother was holding it.
INGRID: What? How did he get it?
KAPLAN: That’s what I hope to find out. Is that coat here?
INGRID: It is.
KAPLAN: I’d like to see it, if you don’t mind.
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Ingrid took me to one of the inner rooms. It was a nice house, though empty as hell, and not just in the way rich people houses always feel empty. I guess that made sense. She had just moved in, after all. Looking around her house, I wouldn’t have guessed there was a second person living here, either.
(CLOSET DOOR OPENS. SEARCHING THROUGH CLOTHES. GRAB COAT.)
INGRID: This should be it.
KAPLAN: Looks like a button is missing.
INGRID: It is, but how? I haven’t worn this coat in ages!
(KAPLAN EXAMINES COAT.)
KAPLAN: Some of the threads are still here where the button came off. Do you do your own sewing?
INGRID: No, never. I have a tailor who fixes my clothes if anything happens to them.
KAPLAN: Makes sense. So this button should have been sewn on properly, not some messy patch job.
INGRID: What–wait, why do you assume I’d be bad at sewing?
(KAPLAN RETURNS COAT.)
KAPLAN: Here. Have this back. I think I’ve seen everything I need to. I’d like to talk to your girlfriend now.
INGRID: Huh? What do you mean, you’re done? You’ve barely looked at anything!
KAPLAN: I’ve seen enough. I have a pretty good idea of how things went down. I just need to confirm a few things.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) It took a little more back-and-forth, but eventually Ingrid let me talk to her girlfriend. The girlfriend endorsed that they lived together, and that she was with Ingrid almost all of last week. That was all the useful information I would get, so I left. I think Ingrid was happy to see the back of me.
(KAPLAN AND MILES WALKING.)
MILES: Ah! Ingrid must have killed me! She was mad about the inheritance, so she strangled me, but I grabbed that button off her.
KAPLAN: She said she hasn’t worn that coat in ages.
MILES: Well of course she said that, she’s trying to cover up a murder! I always knew she had it out for me, but I can’t believe she’d…kill me!
KAPLAN: I agree, it’s pretty unbelievable. She says she hasn’t visited the estate once since moving out. Even her girlfriend says it.
MILES: That ‘girlfriend’ was obviously lying. Ingrid probably isn’t even dating her, I bet she told that girl what to say so she could get away with killing me.
KAPLAN: That’s true. It’s definitely not the strongest alibi I’ve ever heard.
MILES: So where are you going now?
KAPLAN: Back to the estate.
MILES: Great! The garda should be there now, right? You can tell them what you found.
KAPLAN: Well, we’ll see, dear. The homicide inspector and I don’t have a great relationship.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(OUTDOOR AMBIANCE. FOOTSTEPS.)
WES: Roy, you’re back. Did you find anything?
KAPLAN: Hey, Wes. I talked to the sister, and she was helpful. Thought I’d check back here and see what was going on. Where’s Fletcher? I don’t see her anywhere.
WES: She’s still down with the body.
KAPLAN: I’ll stay out of her way for now. I doubt she’d be happy to see me. Did you overhear anything useful?
WES: Not especially. The moisture and the animals worked over the body too much to get a good idea of the cause of death. But you have ways to get around that, don’t you?
KAPLAN: Sure, sure. Any idea on the time of death?
WES: They placed it about five or six days ago.
KAPLAN: Six days ago was when Ingrid was supposed to come look after her dad, right?
WES: That’s what I heard. Do you think you know what happened yet?
KAPLAN: I have a pretty good idea, but I’ll go talk to Eoin O’Shaughnessy first. Can you run some interference and make sure Miles doesn’t start screaming in my ear? He’s so annoying, even for a ghost.
WES: I’ll do what I can. No guarantees, though.
(DOOR UNLOCKS, THEN OPENS. FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) I let myself into the mansion. There was some shouting upstairs that sounded like it was coming from the old man. I guess the stories about his personality weren’t exaggerating.
EOIN: (MUFFLED, GROWING CLEARER) You have to stop treating me like I’m made of glass! Just because my legs don’t work and someone has to change my clothes for me it doesn’t mean I’m incompetent! Will someone just tell me what the hell is happening in my own home?
(DOOR OPENS.)
EOIN: And this guy! Who the hell is this guy? How did he get in here?
KAPLAN: Good afternoon, Mr. O’Shaughnessy. I’m Roy Kaplan, the private investigator.
EOIN: An investigator? Well, you must know what’s going on. Get out of here, all of you. I’m going to talk to the investigator.
NURSE: But sir, you need–
EOIN: I’m not going to choke myself to death in the next five minutes! Get out of my room!
(NURSE EXITS.)
NURSE: We’ll be right outside if you need us, sir.
EOIN: Yeah, I’m sure you will.
(DOOR CLOSES.)
EOIN: All right. Come closer, young man. I can’t see like I used to. Sit down, too. Don’t make me strain my neck looking all the way up at you.
(KAPLAN SITS.)
EOIN: That’s better. Now what the hell is going on out there? There’s people crawling all over my grounds and I don’t like it.
KAPLAN: Your son is dead, sir. We found his body out by the creek. It looks like it’s been there for six days now.
EOIN: Miles is dead? How’d the young idiot manage that?
KAPLAN: That’s what we’re trying to find out.
EOIN: Well, you’re not much of an investigator if you can’t solve a simple thing like this.
KAPLAN: I’ll…keep that in mind, sir. Ingrid mentioned something about the inheritance–she and Miles were having discussions about it.
EOIN: (Disdain) Oh, the inheritance. Those ungrateful kids can’t wait for me to die so they can have my money. As if the city won’t take most of it in taxes, first. The only thing that’s worth anything is the estate itself, so they’re fighting like cats and dogs over it.
KAPLAN: Miles was supposed to get the estate after you died?
EOIN: You think I’d give my estate to that clumsy boy? (Scoffs) Absolutely not. He can hardly walk twenty feet without falling on his face. No, I’m giving it to Ingrid, no matter how much Miles whines about it. At least Ingrid won’t sell all the woodlands to some ungrateful sack of–
KAPLAN: Okay, yes, thank you.
EOIN: And Ingrid, I can’t believe she would have the gall to move out so suddenly. To the city, no less! She’ll get eaten alive out there.
KAPLAN: I, uh, I don’t think that’s–
EOIN: Everything up there is polluted. The water and the technology and the people will poison you, sure as breathing. No, it’s better to be out here where it’s safer. People never did anything good for anyone anyways. Unreliable good-for-nothings!
KAPLAN: Uh, okay, Mr. O’Shaughnessy.
EOIN: That’s another thing–Ingrid was supposed to come visit me last week. I had to call Ellis so I could get out of bed, can you even imagine the indignity? I can’t believe a daughter that–that I raised would be so unreliable.
KAPLAN: Mr. O’Shaughnessy, I had a question about your estate.
EOIN: And Miles isn’t much better. He’s more unreliable than my legs, sometimes. (PAUSE) I don’t know where I was going with that. You said you had a question?
KAPLAN: You mentioned you had to call Ellis just to get out of bed. On the days your children visit to take care of you, do you not have any other staff in the house?
EOIN: No. That’s their day off. I think when a man has private time with his kids it ought to actually be private.
KAPLAN: But what about emergencies, like last week if your kids don’t show up?
EOIN: Well, I called Ellis, didn’t I? The staff housing is on the estate, about ten minutes from here. Close enough in case something happens.
KAPLAN: But not close enough if there’s an emergency.
EOIN: What? What are you talking about?
(KAPLAN GETS UP.)
KAPLAN: Thank you, Mr. O’Shaughnessy, you’ve been a great help.
EOIN: Tell those damned garda to stop making so much noise. They’re going to scare all the birds away.
KAPLAN: I’ll…be sure to do that, sir.
(KAPLAN EXITS. DOOR CLOSES.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) So that was the whole picture–the father, the daughter, and the son, a triangle made of too much money and ill will. I guess the only surprising part is that it took this long to go foul. Killers don’t always get what’s coming, but at least this one would.
MILES: Kaplan, there you are. Where have you been? Your period piece ghost has been asking me stupid questions about my family.
KAPLAN: I talked to your dad. I know how you died now.
MILES: Then go tell the garda! Get Ingrid locked up for strangling me!
KAPLAN: You keep saying that Ingrid strangled you. You’re probably not aware of this, but ghosts appear the way they think of themselves. Usually that’s how they looked when they were healthy, or whatever serves as their baseline.
MILES: What does this have to do with anything?
KAPLAN: The way you think of yourself isn’t always the same. When you think about your death, you look like how you did immediately after you died–when you first woke up as a ghost and saw your own corpse. I can see that you weren’t strangled to death, Miles. You cracked the back of your head. You probably bled to death.
MILES: Well, I’m still dead, aren’t I? So Ingrid hit me in the back of the head and dumped me here, what difference does it make? She’s still the killer!
KAPLAN: Ingrid didn’t kill you. You did.
MILES: What? Are you–have you gone mad, Kaplan? You think I, what, committed suicide out here and called you up just for fun? What would be the point in that?
KAPLAN: To pin it on your sister, like you’ve been doing since the start of all this.
MILES: You think I killed myself to frame Ingrid for it? That’s insane. Even if it worked, I’d still be dead!
KAPLAN: Well, dear, I don’t think you planned to die. No, you wanted to kill your dad. It would have been pretty easy–your dad can’t even walk on his own, and on the day that you or your sister checks up on him, there’d be no witnesses because he sends away all the staff. And when he was dead, you’d finally get the inheritance.
MILES: Ridiculous. I’m hardly even in the inheritance–Ingrid would get the entire estate.
KAPLAN: But not if she was convicted for murder. So you went to Ingrid’s house and told her to switch weeks with you, then didn’t tell anyone about it so everyone would think she was on the estate that day. You didn’t know she had a girlfriend who could confirm an alibi for her.
MILES: Oh, you think you’re so clever, don’t you? Well, answer this: if I were trying to kill the old man, then why would I have one of Ingrid’s buttons? I ripped that button off when she tried to kill me!
KAPLAN: Have you ever actually ripped a button off a coat before? This is a heavy button–nothing like the tiny buttons you’d have on a shirt. You’d need a lot more than a couple of threads to keep it secure, and you’d probably damage the fabric in pulling it off. I didn’t see any of that when I looked at the coat. You obviously cut the threads so you could plant the button on your dad’s body as evidence against your sister.
MILES: So what, you think I had all these brilliant plans and changed my mind at the last second and killed myself instead?
KAPLAN: No. I think you fell. It rained a lot last week, including on that day you meant to see your dad, and the rocks by the creek aren’t stable to begin with. I can’t say why you went that way–maybe you wanted to make sure nobody saw you, because nobody goes back there. But your dad told me you’re clumsy even on a good day. You wouldn’t have had a chance on those rocks. You slipped, fell, and cracked the back of your head. You couldn’t get back up and you couldn’t call for help, but you could at least get back at your sister, so you took that button out of your pocket so anyone who found your body would think maybe Ingrid had done it to you. I can imagine your surprise when you woke up as a ghost and realized you could be a little more proactive in your revenge. (PAUSE) Does that sound right to you?
MILES: …Pretty impressive, Kaplan. Maybe you really do have some brains in that head of yours.
KAPLAN: My private license isn’t just for show. You tried to destroy your family and took the fall instead. You’re dead, your sister’s getting the inheritance, and the O’Shaughnessys will probably be happier off without you. Admit it, Miles. It’s over.
MILES: No. It’s not over.
(RECORD SCRATCH.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) There’s a reason why I don’t like to deal with ghosts that can touch things. So, here’s a hot tip about getting strangled by ghosts.
MILES: I’m gonna kill you!
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Don’t.
(MILES TACKLES KAPLAN AND STARTS CHOKING HIM OUT.)
MILES: I could have had everything! I could have had the world! I’m better than this family and nobody could see that!
KAPLAN: (Choking) Wes–
MILES: I’m better than all of you! I was going to accomplish things nobody ever dreamed of, and you took that away from me!
KAPLAN: (Choking) Wes, I need your help right now!
(MILES SLAMS KAPLAN ON THE GROUND.)
MILES: I’ll do this all by myself! I’ll kill Ingrid and the old man too, and when they come back as ghosts I’ll do it again! That’s what they’ll get for crossing me!
KAPLAN: (With difficulty) Where are you, Wes?
WES: You called? I–Roy! Miles, let go of him!
MILES: You’ll have to make me!
WES: Oh, you asked for it.
(WES ATTACKS MILES. A BRIEF STRUGGLE, THEN A GUNSHOT.)
KAPLAN: (Gasping for breath) …Wes?
WES: It’s over now. I got rid of him.
KAPLAN: Thanks, Wes. You’re a lifesaver.
WES: I wouldn’t have to be, if you didn’t keep getting attacked by murderous ghosts.
KAPLAN: Well, how was I supposed to know Miles would go nuclear like that? (PAUSE) Actually, yeah, no. This one’s on me. Help me up, Wes.
(WES HELPS KAPLAN UP.)
WES: Roy, you should really be more careful.
KAPLAN: Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard it before.
WES: I’m serious. I’d hate if something happened to you, especially if you were being reckless for no reason. You know you don’t have to antagonize every murderer you meet, right?
KAPLAN: I can’t help it. I love antagonizing murderers.
WES: Roy.
KAPLAN: Sorry. Where’s Fletcher? I think it’s time we close this case.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Fletcher was, as I predicted, not happy to see me. She didn’t threaten to arrest me, though, so I count that as a good meeting. I explained the plot to her and she took care of the rest. I don’t know how Mr. O’Shaughnessy the elder or Ingrid O’Shaughnessy took the news, but if I had to guess, they weren’t surprised. From everything I heard, Miles was a jealous, entitled sort of person who was willing to do anything if it meant getting his way. Well, I already knew that. It’s not just anyone who tries to frame someone for their own death even beyond the grave. It didn’t matter anymore. Miles was gone for good, just as he deserved. And as for me? I went home and finally got some sleep.
(ENDING THEME.)
KAPLAN: You’ve just heard Family Dysfunctions, the seventh episode of Roy Kaplan: Out of Sight. Kaplan was played by Jesse Peng, Wes by Caleb Jensen. Our cast also includes: Mike Castoro, Rebecca Clifford, Dan Robinson, Madeleine Hamley, and Melissa Bowens.
Roy Kaplan is written, edited, and produced by Jesse Peng. Our music is composed by Beacon.
This show is brought to you by The Pinwheel Lab. If you like what you hear, you can find us over at roykaplanpod on Tumblr, or on thepinwheellab.com. If you really like what you hear, you can also support us on Patreon, where you can hear the next episode a little sooner than everyone else. All financial support goes to production, and helps make Season 2 more likely to happen.
What secrets await our intrepid detective? Tune in next time to find out, and I’ll see you on the other side.
06 – Random Access Memory | Roy Kaplan Home | Out of Sight Home | 08 – Sleep Well, My Darling