09 – Calling Card
Series: Roy Kaplan
Season: Out of Sight
Release Date: April 19, 2025
Episode Summary: When a rash of burglaries hits the city, Inspector Fletcher calls in an expert–Roy Kaplan, private investigator and ex-career burglar. But as Kaplan investigates the burglaries, he sees these are no ordinary thefts, but perhaps an echo from his own past…
PRODUCTION CREDITS:
ORIGINAL SCRIPT: Jesse Peng
EDITING and PRODUCTION: Jesse Peng
COVER ART: Jesse Peng
MUSIC: Beacon
VOICE CAST:
KAPLAN: Jesse Peng
WES: Caleb Jensen
FLETCHER: Mystic Waterz
WEISS: Patrick Langner
PHONE: Rebecca Clifford
08 – Sleep Well, My Darling | Roy Kaplan Home | Out of Sight Home | 10 – Doctor’s Orders
OUT OF SIGHT: CALLING CARD
INTRO: Where greed and ambition rears its ugly head, there’s one man who stands in the way–it’s Roy Kaplan, Private Investigator!
(INTRO THEME.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Kaplan speaking. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted to be famous. It’s just asking for trouble, when one of your main marketable skills is breaking and entering. I mean, honestly. What’s fame done for anyone? It’s just people getting into your business because they heard about something you did. I don’t need that. As long as I can pull in a paycheck and everyone else can mind their own business, that’s all I need. That’s pretty much ideal, don’t you agree?
(RUSTLING PAPER.)
KAPLAN: Hm. Nine across…an eight-letter word for a time of day that starts with F. Any ideas, Wes?
WES: Uh, forenoon. F-O-R-E-N-O-O-N.
KAPLAN: What? That’s not a word.
WES: Yes, it is. It’s the later part of the morning, before noon. Forenoon.
KAPLAN: I’ve never heard of that word.
WES: Well, Roy, I haven’t heard of half the words on your crossword puzzle, but that doesn’t make them not exist. Forenoon isn’t that queer of a word.
KAPLAN: Okay, but I don’t think anyone’s actually used it since the 20th century, so I don’t think it’s going to be the solution to this crossword clue.
(KAPLAN’S RINGTONE.)
KAPLAN: Huh? Who’s calling me this early in the morning?
(PICK UP CALL.)
KAPLAN: Kaplan speaking.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Kaplan, it’s Fletcher.
KAPLAN: Inspector Fletcher? Why are you calling me all of a sudden? I haven’t done anything.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Why do you always assume I’m going to accuse you of something when I call?
KAPLAN: Because…you do? You’re always accusing me of stealing jewels and being a public nuisance or whatever other petty crime you’ve heard of.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) You are a nuisance.
KAPLAN: Well that’s not very nice of you. You’re gonna hurt my feelings, Fletcher.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Kaplan, cut the crap. I had a serious reason to call.
KAPLAN: Of course you did. You’d probably give yourself ulcers if you did anything not seriously.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Kaplan.
KAPLAN: Go on, dear. I would never want to waste your precious time. What serious reason did you call me for?
FLETCHER: (FILTER) (Sighs deeply.) You really have to try to be this annoying, don’t you?
KAPLAN: I’m waiting.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) There’s been a rash of burglaries along the southern residences, four of them so far, all with relatively high-profile targets.
KAPLAN: See? This is what I’m talking about! Just because you arrested me for burglary once, seven years ago, doesn’t mean you can accuse me of every single burglary you come across. There are, in fact, other burglars in this city.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Will you let me finish?
KAPLAN: If I have to.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) I’m not accusing you of these burglaries, Kaplan. I don’t think you did them.
KAPLAN: Really? How do you figure?
FLETCHER: (FILTER) (Resigned) Because I’ve looked at the case reports, and…if you had been the burglar, you would have done a much better job.
KAPLAN: Is that a compliment? Fletcher, you’re so sweet.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Don’t let it get to your head.
KAPLAN: So if you don’t think I committed the burglaries, then why are you calling me? I’m retired. Burglars don’t talk to me, and even if they did, I wouldn’t sell them out to you.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) This case has gone on for over a month and there have been close to no leads. There’s been no end of trouble because of it. Everyone’s worried they’ll be next and they’re making it our problem.
KAPLAN: Oh, really? Having a hard time because you aren’t doing your jobs right? I couldn’t imagine.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Kaplan, my patience is not unlimited.
KAPLAN: Fletcher, you’re the one who called me. If you’re not having fun, you can just leave. Otherwise, you can stop wasting both our time and tell me why you called.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) You think I’m the one wasting time?
KAPLAN: I’m still waiting.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) (Deep breath) I think we need your help to solve these burglaries.
KAPLAN: You, uh. I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. Could you repeat that?
FLETCHER: (FILTER) The case isn’t getting anywhere. The team is running around in circles and I don’t know if the case is really that hard or if they’re just bad, but it’s gotten to the point where I’ve been asked to intervene, so now I’m asking for your help.
KAPLAN: Wow. I can’t say I’m not flattered, Inspector. But why me? Surely there are better investigators to ask. I’m sure most of them are more pleasant to be around than me.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) I’m not asking you because you’re a private investigator. I’m asking you because we both know you’ve committed who knows how many burglaries and got away with them all. If there’s anyone in this city who knows how a burglar thinks, it’s you, Kaplan.
KAPLAN: Hm. Never thought I’d see the day when the illustrious Inspector Fletcher asks me for help. Well, there’s nothing else on my schedule, so I suppose I can do a consultation.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Thank you, Kaplan. I’ll meet you at the monorail stop and I’ll brief you on the way to headquarters.
KAPLAN: Ah, but my time isn’t free. You know my rates, Fletcher. Fifty credits a day, plus expenses.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Your rates are forty credits a day.
KAPLAN: For private investigations, sure. But you’re not paying me as a private citizen, now are you? My professional consultation rates are premium.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) You just made that up.
KAPLAN: Oh, come on. The money’s not coming out of your wallet anyways, and paying me for a few days will be cheaper than all the time that’s being wasted on this case. Fifty credits a day, plus expenses. I want a two day retainer before I start. Take it before I make the number larger.
FLETCHER: (FILTER) Fine. I’ll meet you at the monorail station.
KAPLAN: Pleasure doing business with you, Inspector.
(CALL ENDS.)
WES: Congratulations, Roy. It seems like your history of crime is finally paying off.
KAPLAN: Don’t be like that. Just think of it like I’m doing a security consultation, like in the old days.
WES: You did security consultations? Ha! That’s a gag if I’ve ever heard one.
KAPLAN: No, no, it’s not a joke at all. Before I met you, I used to work security. I did inspections and consultations here and there. I was very professional. Worked with a lot of corporate buildings and rich people. You didn’t think I magically knew about all that when I started burgling, did you?
WES: I’m not thinking anything. I don’t picture you as a consultant, that’s all. It’s too respectable.
KAPLAN: First Fletcher, now you. Everyone’s trying to hurt my feelings today. Well, believe it or not, I did consultations. I got paid pretty well for them. Actually…should have charged Fletcher more. I bet she would have said yes to sixty.
WES: Something to consider for next time.
KAPLAN: Yeah, assuming Fletcher ever wants to hire me again after this. I’ll see you around, Wes.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: Fletcher, I’m fine with offering my expertise but do I have to wear this? This jacket is so stiff.
FLETCHER: If you’re charging consultation rates, you can afford to dress like a professional.
KAPLAN: I always dress like a professional.
FLETCHER: A professional burglar, which is not the impression you want to make right now. Take those gloves off, too.
KAPLAN: Even my gloves? Now you’re just being petty. I’m not taking these off.
FLETCHER: Fine. Whatever. Keep them on if you have to, just don’t cause trouble. The burglary department is back this way.
(CARD SCANNER UNLOCK. DOOR OPENS.)
FLETCHER: The team workroom is down the hall, second door on your left. And Kaplan?
KAPLAN: Yes, Fletcher?
FLETCHER: I want you on your best behavior. When you go out of your way to be the most insufferable person alive around me, that’s one thing, but I’m not paying you to waste everyone else’s time. You’re on the clock now, so be professional and be helpful. That’s all I ask.
KAPLAN: I’m always professional and helpful.
FLETCHER: I’m serious.
KAPLAN: Fine. I won’t antagonize anyone if they don’t antagonize me first.
FLETCHER: (Sighs deeply) You’re going to be the death of me. All right, let’s go in.
(DOOR OPENS.)
WEISS: Inspector Fletcher! I didn’t know you were coming!
FLETCHER: Good afternoon. It looks like you’re busy in here, so I’ll make introductions briefly. Kaplan, this is Detective Sergeant Alec Weiss. He’s the head of the team that’s tackling these burglaries.
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Fletcher introduced me to the rest of the gardaí in turn, four of them in total. They all looked pretty tired, but I guess if I’d been working on the same case for an entire month, I’d be pretty tired, too.
FLETCHER: And this is Roy Kaplan. He’s a private security consultant I’ve brought on to assist with this case.
KAPLAN: How do you do.
WEISS: A consultant? Inspector, what do you think he’ll be able to do that we haven’t?
FLETCHER: I’m hoping he’ll offer some expertise that will help you solve this case sooner rather than later.
WEISS: Right, okay, I understand. But yesterday when you said you’d help, I thought that you’d be a little more hands-on, not…get some consultant.
FLETCHER: I still have work to do in homicide, Weiss. I can’t drop everything to personally help you with this. I’ve worked with Kaplan before. I trust his judgment.
WEISS: Well, if you’re sure about this…
FLETCHER: I am. Kaplan, I’ll talk to you later.
KAPLAN: See you around, Inspector.
(FLETCHER EXITS.)
KAPLAN: I guess if she’s gone, we should get to work. Read me in, Sergeant.
WEISS: (Resigned) What do you know about the case so far?
KAPLAN: Well, there’s been four burglaries over the past thirty-four days, the last one occurring six days ago. All the burglaries have been committed between the hours of 11 PM and 3 AM, targeting a cluster of residential buildings in the third southern district. Items stolen were mostly small valuables like jewelry. Those are just the public details, though.
WEISS: Not bad. Do you have any thoughts about it?
KAPLAN: Hm. Well, the apartments in that district are common targets for burglars. The residents tend to be pretty wealthy, and building access fobs and floor plans are easy to get. Four burglaries in thirty-four days…really isn’t that uncommon. Unless there’s something else going on, I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.
WEISS: Of course there’s something else going on. Did you think we were looking into these cases for no reason?
KAPLAN: Fletcher asked me to not antagonize anyone today, so I’ll hold my response.
WEISS: Do you think you’re some kind of comedian?
KAPLAN: I’ve been informed I’m a security consultant. So, fine. There’s something special about these burglaries that warrants special attention. Tell me about it.
WEISS: The Inspector should have picked a different consultant.
KAPLAN: Are you going to tell me what’s so special or do I have to ask one of the gardaí back there?
WEISS: (To self) ‘Tell me what’s so special,’ he says. (To Kaplan) I’ll tell you what’s so special. Have you ever heard of the infamous burglar known as the Phantom?
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Thieves, just like any other group of people, have some exceptional members. The kinds that get stories told about them. The Phantom was a burglar who came onto the scene eight years ago and was notable for their skills in covert entry. If you believe the stories, they could enter any target like a ghost, without breaking windows or locks, and they would steal valuables straight out of people’s safes. There wasn’t any lock in the world that could protect your valuables from the Phantom, and nobody knew how or when they would strike. I don’t usually pay attention to these kinds of stories–they’re mostly nonsense–but I do have some personal investment when it comes to the Phantom. After all, that’s me they’re talking about.
KAPLAN: The Phantom? That’s the one who made the news when they robbed some collector, right? Stole a few antiques and made it out without a trace. Investigators said the the only way anyone could have gotten into that ultra high security vault was if they were a ghost.
WEISS: Huh. Maybe you’re not so useless after all.
KAPLAN: I have my moments. What does the Phantom have to do with any of this?
WEISS: The Phantom is the culprit in these burglaries.
KAPLAN: (Skeptical) Really? How do you figure? The Phantom hasn’t been active in years.
WEISS: Take a look at the files. These burglaries have all the same hallmarks–no forced entry, valuables stolen directly out of safes, and these are stills from the security footage, compared to stills from the old Phantom cases. Same jacket, digital mask, and boots.
KAPLAN: They look similar, I guess. I still wouldn’t say the culprit is for sure the Phantom.
WEISS: We also found these at the crime scenes.
(BOX OPENING. PLASTIC BAG CRINKLING.)
KAPLAN: These are…some kind of cards?
WEISS: Not just any cards–they’re cards signed by the Phantom, left behind in the safes that were stolen from. They’re calling cards.
KAPLAN: What kind of tacky bullshit is this?
WEISS: I beg your pardon?
KAPLAN: The Phantom is supposed to be a burglar with borderline supernatural stealth. Their whole claim to fame is being able to get in and get out without anyone even noticing they were there, and you want me to believe they would leave this card? What the hell for?
WEISS: Criminals get bold. Maybe the Phantom is overconfident after getting away with all those thefts.
KAPLAN: Overconfident? I don’t think they’re being overconfident if they’re leaving literal calling cards and you’re still completely clueless about what’s going on. Clearly they’ve just decided to come down to your level.
WEISS: Are you calling me incompetent?
KAPLAN: I’m saying you’ve got security footage, you know what targets were hit, you know what was stolen, and you have these cards. You’ve got all this evidence and you still can’t solve this case? No, you’re over here chasing ghosts.
WEISS: All right, you’ve gone too far, Kaplan. I was willing to give you a chance because Fletcher vouched for you, but this is ridiculous. I’m not standing for this kind of disrespect.
KAPLAN: That’s fine with me. I’m not a big fan of you, either.
(KAPLAN GETS UP.)
WEISS: Hey, where do you think you’re going?
KAPLAN: I’m going somewhere else to solve your case. I work better when people aren’t saying stupid things in my ear.
(KAPLAN GRABS FILES.)
KAPLAN: I’ll be borrowing these files.
(KAPLAN EXITS.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Some people say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but this was just embarrassing. I’ve never been attached to the whole Phantom deal–it was a stupid nickname that people called me in my early burglar days before I started going by Scarlet instead–but stupid nickname or not, I had a reputation and I was proud of it. This half-baked pretender, whoever they were, was making me look bad, and I didn’t like that.
(DOOR KNOCKING, THEN OPEN. FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: Hey, Fletcher.
FLETCHER: Kaplan. How did you even get in here? The homicide division is locked.
KAPLAN: One of your garda let me in. I told her I was a contractor and I was delivering these files to you on behalf of Sergeant Weiss.
FLETCHER: (Sighs heavily) We really need to do security training again, don’t we?
KAPLAN: It probably wouldn’t hurt.
FLETCHER: Well, you’re here. Sit down, Kaplan. Weiss has already messaged me about how unprofessional you were and how I never should have hired you. What do you have to say for yourself?
(KAPLAN SITS.)
KAPLAN: Weiss and his team are either idiots or deliberately screwing this case up. What have they been doing for the last month?
FLETCHER: I was hoping you could tell me.
KAPLAN: That’s asking a little much, I think. I’m an investigator, not a fortune teller. Why are you helping them with this anyways? You’re homicide. Last I checked, nobody died.
FLETCHER: I used to work burglary before my promotion to Detective Inspector.
KAPLAN: Yeah, I know. You arrested me that one time, remember?
FLETCHER: The superintendent noticed we were starting to catch some hell over this case, so I got called in to give them a hand.
KAPLAN: So then you foist the entire job on me. I see how it is.
FLETCHER: It’s called delegation.
KAPLAN: Delegation, smelegation. You just didn’t want to deal with Weiss, not that I can blame you. His personality needs some work.
FLETCHER: Does his personality need work or did you antagonize him for no reason?
KAPLAN: It wasn’t for no reason. He was an asshole to me first, and he said a bunch of stupid things. If he had any brains in his head he wouldn’t be pushing this Phantom angle so bad. What’s his deal?
FLETCHER: Weiss has been trying to get promoted to Inspector for a while. He’s probably hoping a high profile case can get him there, but high profile burglaries aren’t really a thing.
KAPLAN: Unless phantom thieves start coming out of the woodwork, you mean.
FLETCHER: Right. Solving a case like the Phantom would get eyes on him, if nothing else.
KAPLAN: Well, if what I’ve seen is any indication, it’ll be a million years before he’s anywhere near catching the real Phantom. Here.
(KAPLAN TOSSES FILES ONTO DESK.)
KAPLAN: I went through the files. The investigation looks fine. The evidence is to the level I’d expect. It’s properly documented and analyzed. Security footage was retrieved where available–none of it has been tampered with. The workup of the security measures bypassed and the goods stolen are very comprehensive, which is why I can say for certain that they are idiots for even entertaining this Phantom theory.
FLETCHER: I did think the Phantom approach was a bit of a reach. Tell me why you think it’s nonsense.
KAPLAN: Well, first off, the Phantom was best known for cracking safes that should be impossible to break open without heavy equipment. They had a preference for mechanical locks, but electronic locks weren’t beyond them, either.
FLETCHER: I remember some of those reports. There weren’t any marks on any of the safes.
KAPLAN: But these new cases, look. A Cryptech 20X model. A Stellite FW-41. Some off-brand wall safes. These are moderate-duty safes, resistant to drilling, with mechanical locks. The locks themselves are nothing special–six-pin tumblers with standard keyways and a couple of security pins. They’re a bit tricky, but they can still be bumped or snapped. I wouldn’t recommend them as a target for a first-time burglar, but they’re way, way below the Phantom’s weight class.
FLETCHER: It’s not as if the Phantom never went after easier locks.
KAPLAN: No, but four times in a row? To steal a handful of cheap trinkets? The Phantom was a career burglar. They stole for profit. This burglar is doing it for the spectacle, and chances are, they don’t know how to crack anything more complicated than this.
FLETCHER: Okay, you’ve made your point. And what about the clothes? Weiss made a big deal about that.
KAPLAN: Weiss is either blind or stupid. These aren’t the same clothes the Phantom wore. See? The color and style are pretty similar but the cut is different. Obviously. Any burglar of that caliber uses tailored gear. The digital mask is wrong, too. You can tell from the flicker pattern it’s a super old model. Even if I didn’t happen to know the Phantom retired, I’d know just by looking that this is fake. A real burglar would have updated their equipment in the last five years.
FLETCHER: Kaplan, do you personally know the Phantom?
KAPLAN: We met a few times, back in the day. Exceptionally charming individual. Talented, too. And handsome.
FLETCHER: Ugh. If the Phantom is anything like you, they are probably insufferable.
KAPLAN: Aw, don’t be like that. Anyways, it couldn’t be more obvious that this burglar is some kind of Phantom wannabe.
FLETCHER: I don’t disagree, but we still need to figure out who the actual culprit is.
KAPLAN: That’s where you’re wrong, dear. I think the easier question right now isn’t ‘who is the burglar’, it’s ‘where will the burglar strike next’? If you know that, you can catch them in the act.
FLETCHER: Okay. And do you know where the burglar will strike next?
KAPLAN: No. But I think I can find out.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) It was the calling card that tipped me off. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, because calling cards are stupid. They’re the kinds of things that only ever show up in stories–no proper burglar would announce their name to the world like that. But then I thought: what if that’s the point? You use a calling card to send a message. So then you have to ask, who is the message for? It wasn’t the public–hardly anyone remembers some burglar from over five years ago. It wasn’t the garda–they of all people would know the Phantom would never leave a card like that. So maybe that card was for someone else–someone who would be uniquely provoked by someone using the Phantom name in such a stupid, tacky manner. Me.
KAPLAN: All right, new grappling hook. One, two…three!
(GRAPPLING HOOK FIRING. METALLIC CLATTER. CLIMBING.)
KAPLAN: There we go. Easy does it.
KAPLAN: (V.O.) A message only works if it gets to its recipient. This fake Phantom didn’t know that I would end up on the case–the only way they could be sure to get information to the real Phantom was through public channels. A big news story that everyone would hear, containing a signed card and the address of the latest burglary incident. If I didn’t have access to investigation files and I wanted to figure out who was trying to imitate me, then naturally I would want to see the scene of the crime for myself.
(KAPLAN HOPS THROUGH A WINDOW. SOFT FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) And if the person you want to get your message to is someone who can legendarily bypass any lock at all, then what better place to put that message than within a safe?
(SAFE UNLOCKS, OPENS. KAPLAN PICKS UP A SMALL OBJECT.)
KAPLAN: A data chip. This wasn’t listed in the evidence files.
KAPLAN: (V.O.) I checked the data chip with a burner device, and sure enough, there was a location and time. That was bait if I’d ever seen it, but you know something? These things run both directions. If this pretender wanted to see a Phantom? Fine. I could give him one.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS, NOT QUIET.)
WEISS: Looks like the coast is clear. The safe should be back here…
(JINGLING KEYS. SAFE UNLOCKS. BRIEF RUMMAGING.)
WEISS: What? Isn’t there supposed to be jewelry in here? Whatever. I’ll leave a card and get out of here.
(NECKLACE JINGLE.)
KAPLAN: Jewels? Are you, perhaps, looking for these?
WEISS: Who–Who is that?
(WEISS LOOKS AROUND.)
WEISS: Where are you?
KAPLAN: Who am I? Darling, you’re the one who told me to come here. You should already know.
WEISS: You’re…the Phantom?
KAPLAN: In the flesh. Or perhaps…that isn’t the right phrase.
(FOOTSTEPS. SOFT WHOOSH. JINGLING KEYS.)
KAPLAN: So this is how you were breaking into these safes–you copied the keys. I did think bypassing these locks was probably above your skill level.
(KEYS TOSSED ASIDE.)
WEISS: (Frightened) How did you–how did you take those?
KAPLAN: What do you mean, how? Didn’t you see it? I just…picked them up.
WEISS: Don’t play around with me! Do you think I’m stupid enough to believe you’re invisible? Come out where I can see you!
KAPLAN: As you wish.
(ECHOING FOOTSTEPS. INCREASING RATTLING NOISES.)
WEISS: (Scared) Y-You’re under arrest, Phantom!
KAPLAN: (Laughs) Really? Did you really think this foolhardy plan of yours was enough to catch me?
WEISS: You’re a thief and you’ll answer to the law!
KAPLAN: A thief? Sure. But I never said anything about answering to the law, and I certainly don’t answer to you.
(OMINOUS NOISES.)
KAPLAN: Do you really want to try your luck, garda?
(WEISS TRIES TO GET AWAY.)
WEISS: Ah! Get away from me!
KAPLAN: Darling. You’re the one who went looking for a Phantom.
(RUSHING NOISE. BODY FALLS TO GROUND. OMINOUS NOISES STOP. NORMAL FOOTSTEPS.)
KAPLAN: Oh, he fainted. I thought he would last longer than that. Was the costume was too much, Wes?
WES: Roy, you know I think this whole thing is ridiculous.
KAPLAN: You’re the one who agreed to rattle things around for this ‘ridiculous’ play. Which you did a great job with, by the way. Thank you for the assist.
WES: I’m glad you’re using your incredible psychic powers for incredibly petty reasons.
KAPLAN: It’s not incredibly petty. It’s just a little petty. He could do with a little scare, so he’ll think twice before pulling a stunt like this again. Well, since the fun’s over, let’s see who’s under this mask.
(DIGITAL MASK DEACTIVATES.)
KAPLAN: Sergeant Weiss. I’m disappointed but not surprised.
WES: That’s the man who’s in charge of the investigation, isn’t he?
KAPLAN: Yeah. I bet that’s why his investigation was going so poorly–he must have been sabotaging it. Too bad he didn’t anticipate getting exactly what he asked for.
WES: Even johns aren’t immune to ghosts.
KAPLAN: Especially not the Sergeant. Thought he’d be made of sterner stuff. Here, you can cuff him. I’ll let Fletcher know we’ve tied things up.
(KAPLAN PULLS OUT PHONE.)
KAPLAN: Call Ainsley Fletcher.
PHONE: (DIGITAL) Dialing.
(DIALING TONE. PICKS UP.)
KAPLAN: Good morning, Fletcher, it’s Kaplan. I’ve got good news and bad news.
FLETCHER: (Just woke up) Kaplan? It is…past two in the morning. This seriously couldn’t wait?
KAPLAN: Well, like I said, I’ve got good news and bad news. Good news, I caught your burglar. Bad news, it’s Sergeant Weiss. You’ll want to come over and pick him up.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(TYPING, THEN STOPS.)
FLETCHER: I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful, Kaplan. I appreciate you solving this very much.
KAPLAN: You’re very welcome. Maybe we can work together again sometime.
FLETCHER: But what the hell am I supposed to write in my report? I can’t say you broke into a building. And what did you do to Sergeant Weiss? You scared him half to death.
KAPLAN: I didn’t do anything to the Sergeant. You heard him, didn’t you? He saw a ghost. What, do you think I somehow control all the ghosts in the city?
FLETCHER: I’m not writing that Sergeant Weiss was incapacitated by a ghost. Why do you think anyone would believe that?
KAPLAN: He’s the one who said it, not me! Besides, who cares? The only part that really matters is that he broke into that apartment building and robbed that safe.
FLETCHER: Kaplan, there’s a due process here. I can’t just write whatever I want.
KAPLAN: Maybe you should have thought about that before you hired an ex-burglar. I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal about this. You can just say the Phantom showed up and it was too much for Weiss to handle. That’s basically the truth. It’s not your fault you don’t know the specifics–it’s not like you were there for the burglar versus burglar showdown.
FLETCHER: You want me to say you’re the Phantom?
KAPLAN: Me? Who would believe that? For one thing, I’d never pick an embarrassing name like the Phantom. No, I just happened to figure out where the burglary was happening just a little bit too late. Too bad the Phantom got away clean, or something. You can figure out how to handle it.
FLETCHER: (Sighs) Fine. Oh, and one more thing. Did you know the burglar was one of the garda working the case?
KAPLAN: I didn’t, but I had a pretty good hunch.
FLETCHER: How?
KAPLAN: Well, not that much information about the Phantom was ever publicly released. I went through the news reports. There are some blurry security footage stills, but that’s about it. I made fun of the fake Phantom for getting the clothes wrong, but honestly, it’s still pretty close. Whoever did it obviously had a solid reference, which means they had information about the Phantom that wasn’t publicly available. That narrowed down the suspects to the Phantom’s personal associates or people who investigated the case.
FLETCHER: So you figured it was a garda.
KAPLAN: Yeah. That made the most sense. A burglar would have targeted better safes and stolen better goods.
FLETCHER: This is a mess. Why would Sergeant Weiss do something like this?
KAPLAN: Well, you said it yourself. He’s desperate to make Inspector, and the only way he could get a high-profile case is if he made one. So he tried to lure out the real Phantom so he could arrest them. Yeah, he’s probably the crappiest copycat I’ve ever seen in my life, but hey. He got what he asked for. Bit off more than he could chew on that one. He’s lucky the Phantom’s never killed anyone, or this plan of his could have gotten real messy.
FLETCHER: This will be a pain to explain to the superintendent.
KAPLAN: I’m sure it will be, but that is thankfully not my problem. Is there anything else you need, Fletcher, or can I dust out of here?
FLETCHER: One last thing.
KAPLAN: Oh, all right.
FLETCHER: Here.
(DIGITAL PING.)
KAPLAN: What’s this?
FLETCHER: Your bonus for finishing the case. Despite your unprofessional conduct and the headaches I’m going to have for the next week, you did solve it.
KAPLAN: A hundred credits. You really know how to treat a guy.
FLETCHER: Well, that’s all, now. Get out of here.
KAPLAN: Pleasure doing business with you. See you around, Inspector.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(STOVETOP COOKING.)
WES: There you are, Roy. The news just revealed Alec Weiss as the Phantom.
KAPLAN: Hello, Wes. I did see something like that on the telecast earlier. I guess it sounds better than saying that they were chasing the wrong burglar this whole time.
WES: It sounds like they’re keeping buttoned on a lot of the details.
KAPLAN: I’m sure they are. It’s a pretty bad look for them, that one of their sergeants ended up being a serial burglar, and that it took some nobody private security consultant to solve the entire case for them. Am I supposed to add the cream now?
WES: Lower the heat first. Don’t you have any kind of opinions on this? After all, it’s your name.
(POURING LIQUID INTO PAN. LOUD SIZZLING, THEN SUBSIDES.)
KAPLAN: Well, you know me. I never liked the Phantom nickname to begin with. It’s just silly. Maybe this will put a lid on the stories for good.
WES: Don’t be stupid. A story like the Phantom never dies that easy.
KAPLAN: I guess that’s true. In that case, the least we can do is make sure the story is an interesting one.
(ENDING THEME.)
OUTRO: You’ve just heard Calling Card, the ninth episode of Roy Kaplan: Out of Sight. Kaplan was played by Jesse Peng, Wes by Caleb Jensen. Our cast also includes Mystic Waterz and Patrick Langner.
Roy Kaplan is written, edited, and produced by Jesse Peng. Our music is composed by Beacon.
This show is brought to you by The Pinwheel Lab. If you like what you hear, you can find us over at roykaplanpod on Tumblr, or on thepinwheellab.com. If you really like what you hear, you can also support us on Patreon, where you can hear the next episode a little sooner than everyone else. All financial support goes to production, and helps make Season 2 more likely to happen.
What kind of trouble will this detective dig up? Tune in next time to find out, and I’ll see you on the other side.
08 – Sleep Well, My Darling | Roy Kaplan Home | Out of Sight Home | 10 – Doctor’s Orders