11 – How to Date Your Dragon
Series: Roy Kaplan
Season: Out of Sight
Release Date: May 17, 2025
Episode Summary: A client comes to Kaplan with an unusual situation: his favorite hostess at a costume club has suddenly stopped working and he’s worried that she is being pressured or hurt. Kaplan isn’t much for clubs, but he’s willing to take a trip and find out what’s hiding behind the mask.
PRODUCTION CREDITS:
ORIGINAL SCRIPT: Jesse Peng
EDITING and PRODUCTION: Jesse Peng
COVER ART: Jesse Peng
MUSIC: Beacon, and “Master of the Feast” by Kevin MacLeod
VOICE CAST:
KAPLAN: Jesse Peng
WES: Caleb Jensen
LEMMON: Levi Squier
HIRSCH: Kenny Wong
HOST: Emma Foulger
DOORMAN: Eddy Elfman
10 – Doctor’s Orders | Roy Kaplan Home | Out of Sight Home | 12 – Memento Mori
OUT OF SIGHT: HOW TO DATE YOUR DRAGON
INTRO: In a world where there’s always more than what meets the eye–it’s Roy Kaplan, Private Investigator!
(INTRO THEME.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Kaplan speaking. Maybe it’s just the burglar in me talking, but there’s something very liberating about a mask. These days, you never know when there’s some idiot with a camera and no sense of propriety, so having some protection for your identity is just good practice for anyone. It’s definitely saved me more times than I can count. But watch out! If you spend enough time behind masks, eventually you’ll find they can hide a lot more than just a face.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(OUTDOOR AMBIANCE.)
KAPLAN: Wes, I’m just saying movies are not as good as you think they are. Maybe back in your day you had Hollytree and they made films that knocked your socks off, but it’s not the 20th century anymore. There are better forms of entertainment.
WES: Did you just call Hollywood ‘Hollytree’?
KAPLAN: Hollywood. Whatever. I don’t see what you get from a pre-recorded video that can’t be done better on a stage.
WES: The camera, Roy. That’s the point of a film. I won’t knock theatre, all right? But you can’t seriously say cinema is worse in every single way.
KAPLAN: It’s worse in the way that matters most–it’s not fun to watch.
WES: You need to see better movies.
KAPLAN: Well, you need to see better plays! What have you been doing for the last few centuries? You don’t even have to pay admission!
WES: Well, it might surprise you to learn that I have–
(KAPLAN’S RINGTONE.)
KAPLAN: We’ll continue this conversation later.
(PICK UP CALL.)
KAPLAN: Kaplan speaking.
HIRSCH: (FILTER) Is this the private investigator?
KAPLAN: Roy Kaplan, Private Investigator, at your service. Did you need something?
HIRSCH: (FILTER) Yes. My name is Quincy Hirsch, and I’ve got a problem. I guess you call them cases?
KAPLAN: I don’t think it matters what they’re called. If you need help and you pay the rates, I’m all yours. What’s going on?
HIRSCH: (FILTER) Well, it’s, uh. You sound like you’re in public. Should I call back later?
KAPLAN: Are you about to ask me to do something illegal?
HIRSCH: (FILTER) No, no! It’s not illegal, it’s just…a little embarrassing. I’d prefer if it was private, that’s all.
KAPLAN: Sure, sure. I’ve got an office downtown, how about we meet there?
HIRSCH: (FILTER) That would be great. Thank you so much, Mr. Kaplan.
KAPLAN: Well, I haven’t actually promised anything, so don’t thank me yet. I’ll send you the address, and I can be there in, oh, fifteen minutes. See you soon.
(CALL ENDS.)
WES: An embarrassing case, huh?
KAPLAN: Don’t pretend you’ve never gotten them. Whatever Hirsch wants, it can’t be that bad. Do you remember that wedding photographer case?
WES: Oh, don’t remind me. That was mortifying, and I wasn’t even the one in the clown costume.
KAPLAN: It wasn’t a clown costume, it was avant-garde fashion or something.
WES: A fashionable clown is still a clown, Roy. One of the brides was laughing at you so hard she knocked down the cake table. Do you remember that? I remember that.
KAPLAN: We’re not talking about this anymore. Let’s go meet the client.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(DOOR OPENS.)
HIRSCH: Uh, hello? Mr. Kaplan?
KAPLAN: Hey, there. You must be Hirsch. Come on in, take a seat.
HIRSCH: Oh, okay.
(HIRSCH SITS.)
KAPLAN: So tell me what’s going on. How can I help?
HIRSCH: There’s this girl I’m worried about.
KAPLAN: All right. Tell me more.
HIRSCH: Well, we used to spend a lot of time together, but in the last few months, she’s been acting kind of different. Like she wouldn’t be available as often, and she had to cut dates short. And that’s okay, she’s got things she has to do, but then she started talking about how she was quitting her job, and when I went in yesterday, they said she wasn’t there anymore.
KAPLAN: Um. Okay. Not to be presumptuous or anything, but have you considered that maybe she just doesn’t like you?
HIRSCH: No, I mean. Yes, it’s occurred to me.
KAPLAN: Right. And do I need to explain that when someone goes out of their way to not spend time with you anymore, hiring a private investigator about it is maybe not appropriate?
HIRSCH: I know it sounds bad, but it’s not like that, I swear. If she doesn’t want to see me anymore, that’s fine. It’s just one of my friends has been warning me off her for a long time now, and she stopped working out of nowhere. I’m worried that someone might be pressuring her, or she’s gotten into some kind of trouble. You don’t have to tell me where she’s gone or anything, I just want to make sure she’s not hurt or in danger.
KAPLAN: Well, I suppose I can look into it. Who, exactly, is this girl?
HIRSCH: Her name is Skyfire Flamewing. She’s a draconic sorceress.
KAPLAN: …Okay. And to be clear, this is a girl who you go on dates with and have physically met, in person? She’s not someone you hang out with in a video game or anything?
HIRSCH: No, no! Sky’s a hostess at the Enchanted Mirror.
KAPLAN: The Enchanted Mirror? And what kind of place is the Enchanted Mirror?
HIRSCH: (Embarrassed) It’s–It’s not what you think! It’s not anything weird, it’s just a costume club on the south side.
KAPLAN: Oh, it’s a costume club. Okay. I think I understand now. Is it safe to assume that when you say you went on dates with Miss Flamewing, you mean you went on dates with her as paid sessions at the costume club?
HIRSCH: Yes, that’s right.
KAPLAN: Have you ever spent time with Miss Flamewing outside the costume club?
HIRSCH: Um, no.
KAPLAN: I see.
HIRSCH: You can still help me, right? I know it’s kind of weird, but I’m just worried, honest.
KAPLAN: I’ll give it a try. You said your friend was warning you off this hostess?
HIRSCH: Yeah. He’s been on me about it for months, saying that she just wants my money and she doesn’t even care about me and if I want to go on dates with people literally anyone else would be a better option. But he doesn’t get it, you know? Sky isn’t just a hostess, she’s really funny and charming and amazing, too. She’s magical.
KAPLAN: What’s this friend’s name?
HIRSCH: Jerry. Jerry Lemmon. He doesn’t have anything to do with this, though! We’ve been best friends since we were little kids!
KAPLAN: I didn’t say he has anything to do with it. I just figure if he’s been warning you off so bad, I’d like to know why.
HIRSCH: He’s just looking out for me. He’s always been really supportive, it’s just this costume club thing he doesn’t like.
KAPLAN: Interesting.
(KAPLAN GETS UP.)
HIRSCH: Mr. Kaplan?
KAPLAN: I think I’ll talk to your friend first.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Private investigators get a bad rap sometimes, and you know what? I get it. With forty credits a day plus expenses, you can give a man with the moral fiber of a wet biscuit a name and a face and have him find out where they’ve gone to and where they’re going next. In a city like this, there’s no place to run even if you wanted to. If that doesn’t make your skin crawl, I don’t know what will. I won’t pretend to be some great noble hero–I’m in this for the pay check just like any other investigator–but I at least try to make sure I don’t pick up cases that will put other people in danger. Normally I wouldn’t accept a case like this. It’s not my business if a club girl decides she doesn’t like a repeat client anymore, nor if said client gets his heart broken because of it. But Hirsch seemed a reasonable enough guy, and a little too pathetic to be putting on an act, so I figured I could at least see what was going on, if anything. Worst comes to worst, I would just take his forty credits, close the case, and tell him to go home.
(DOOR KNOCKING. MUFFLED STEPS INSIDE, DOOR OPENS.)
LEMMON: Yeah?
KAPLAN: Good afternoon. Are you Jerry Lemmon?
LEMMON: Who’s asking?
KAPLAN: My name’s Roy Kaplan. I’m a private investigator. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? It shouldn’t take long.
LEMMON: Questions about what?
KAPLAN: About a costume club hostess named Skyfire Flamewing.
LEMMON: Ugh. Quincy put you up to this, didn’t he?
KAPLAN: Sorry. I’m not supposed to talk about my clients.
LEMMON: Fine, let’s get this over with. Come on in, take your shoes off.
(KAPLAN ENTERS.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Lemmon’s apartment was small and cheap, maybe only half a step above city housing, but you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at it. The carpet was all new, the furniture was real wood, and the paintings up on the walls looked like they were worth a decent handful of credits. To top it off, Lemmon’s clothes were made of some kind of satin and tailored, the kind of thing that wouldn’t look out of place in Notion’s shop. Whatever Lemmon did for a living, it seemed to be a pretty sweet deal.
(CAT MEOWING.)
LEMMON: Oh, come on, we’ve been over this. Don’t bother the guest.
(LEMMON PICKS UP THE CAT.)
LEMMON: Sorry about Tom. He always gets excited when new people come over.
KAPLAN: Your name is Jerry and you have a cat named Tom?
LEMMON: Yeah? Is that weird?
KAPLAN: It’s um–uh. Never mind.
(CAT MEOWS AGAIN.)
LEMMON: Shh. Don’t cause trouble.
KAPLAN: I don’t mind. I’ve always liked cats. I never had one growing up, but I do community hours at the shelter every so often. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cat this red before.
LEMMON: Yeah, I got Tom from a breeder. All his siblings went off to be show cats, but I’m not interested in that sort of thing.
(LEMMON DROPS THE CAT.)
LEMMON: Anyways, you’re not here to ask me about Tom. What did you want, Mr. Private Investigator?
KAPLAN: Right to business, then. Quincy told me you’ve been warning him off this hostess, Skyfire Flamewing, for a few months now. I was wondering why.
LEMMON: What, are you stupid? It’s not nuclear physics. I mean, Quincy’s been going to the club to see this hostess for ages now. He thinks she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, but it’s literally her job to go on dates and be nice to him. I mean she just wants his money. There’s no way that ends happy.
KAPLAN: But don’t hostesses sometimes date repeat clients outside work?
LEMMON: Yeah, but this girl has never done that, and she never will. And Quincy deserves better than that. He probably wouldn’t even be interested once the costumes come off.
KAPLAN: I don’t know. Quincy seemed pretty concerned about her leaving so suddenly.
LEMMON: I bet he was. I’m just surprised it took him this long to hire somebody. He just can’t leave these things alone.
KAPLAN: This long? How long has it been since the hostess stopped working?
LEMMON: Uh, like a week or two? How am I supposed to know?
KAPLAN: Quincy only found out about it yesterday.
LEMMON: Really? Damn. Maybe I’m remembering things wrong, then. He’s been telling me for weeks now that she was going to quit.
(LOUD MEOWING.)
LEMMON: Oh, uh, it’s time for Tom to eat. You know how cats get about food–Yeah, I see you, hold on a second–Was there anything else you needed, Mr. Private Investigator?
KAPLAN: Just one thing. What do you do for a living?
LEMMON: I’m a musician, not that it’s any of your business. Now shoo so I can feed my cat.
KAPLAN: All right. Thanks for your time. I’ll let you know if there’s anything else.
LEMMON: There shouldn’t be. Go bother someone else!
(KAPLAN EXITS. DOOR SHUTS.)
KAPLAN: What a charming guy. I guess I’d better hit the club myself then.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) The Enchanted Mirror was a small costume club on the south side, tucked away between two larger and more expensive clubs. It was unsurprisingly a sword-and-sorcery themed venue, done up in the style of a tavern you might find in a medieval fantasy video game. A lot of patrons bring their own costumes and dress up as adventurers or magical creatures or whatever else. I guess part of the appeal of a club like this is being able to actually wear these kinds of outfits and show off your costuming skills.
(KAPLAN ENTERS A CLUB. MUFFLED MUSIC.)
DOORMAN: Hello, sir. Welcome to the Enchanted Mirror. Do you have a reservation today?
KAPLAN: No, just walking in.
DOORMAN: That’s fine, sir. Party of one?
KAPLAN: Yeah. I’d like a one hour session.
DOORMAN: Very well. Do you have a preference for your host today?
KAPLAN: I’d like someone who’s been here a while. Boy or girl doesn’t matter, so long as they’re a good conversationalist.
DOORMAN: Very good. And it appears you do not have a costume today. Would you like to rent one, sir? We have an extensive catalog of costumes and props, if that pleases you.
KAPLAN: Hm. I guess it’s in the spirit of things. Can I use my own mask? It’s a CX-30.
DOORMAN: That would be acceptable.
(COMPUTER PING.)
DOORMAN: Your host is ready, sir, and you will be sitting at table 12. You may now enter.
KAPLAN: Don’t mind if I do.
DOORMAN: May you have a magical evening.
(KAPLAN ENTERS THE CLUB FLOOR. MUSIC BECOMES CLEARER.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) If you’re not familiar with the operations of these kinds of clubs, here’s the quick rundown: you pay for a host or hostess to go on a date with you, usually over drinks or dinner. Hosts get paid for their time and get commission for how much food or drink you buy, and you get a fun evening out with someone cute. Costume clubs are the same, but all the hosts dress up in costumes and play characters while they do it. Some places cater specifically to people who want to date their favorite fictional character, while others like this one are more geared towards general roleplay. These clubs are pretty popular–Wes says it’s because all the virtual education and work means people don’t know how to socialize anymore, but I think in a city like this there’s always going to be a lot of folks who are just bored and lonely. Whatever the case is, it’s a lucrative business. It’s not my thing, but if you’re good at talking to people and you’ve got a nice face, you can bring in a lot of money.
KAPLAN: Good evening. I hear you’re my host today.
HOST: Yes. I am Silverleaf of the high elves, and one of the most powerful seers among my people. Who are you to enter our honorable realm today?
KAPLAN: Call me Scarlet. I’m a private investigator.
HOST: A private investigator? I don’t believe I’ve heard of such a thing before. But perhaps you would like to start with a meal before discussing such strange topics?
KAPLAN: Sorry, you seem like a lovely person, but I’m not here to roleplay. I really am a private investigator, and I wanted to ask about one of your colleagues who stopped working recently.
HOST: (Breaking character) Oh. Well, that’s a bit unexpected.
KAPLAN: I’ll pay you for your time all the same. How about we start with a bottle of sparkling cider, and we can worry about food a little later?
HOST: As you wish. Sparkling cider, coming right up.
(BOTTLE CORK POP. POURING.)
HOST: Cheers, Scarlet.
KAPLAN: Cheers.
(CLINK GLASSES.)
KAPLAN: That’s good cider. Should I call you Silverleaf?
HOST: Someone as charming as you? Silver would be fine.
KAPLAN: There’s no need to flatter me.
HOST: Is it flattery if it’s true?
KAPLAN: You really have been doing this for a while, haven’t you. Tell me, Silver, do all your costumes use masks? It looks like you’ve got last year’s Penumbra model.
HOST: You can tell? I thought these masks were seamless.
KAPLAN: Well, I wouldn’t be much of a private investigator if I couldn’t tell a digital mask on sight, would I? The Penumbras are pretty good, but theatre standard is the Starlight.
HOST: Some hosts use Starlights, but I think they’re too heavy. After the third patron of the night my neck starts to hurt.
KAPLAN: Yeah, I could see that. So do all the hosts here use masks?
HOST: Most of us do. It’s a lot easier to put on a mask than to bother with makeup, and costume switches are easier.
KAPLAN: So you have multiple characters, then.
HOST: Of course. Not everyone wants to sit with Silverleaf of the high elves. Some people want Belus the archdemon of temptation, or Ranwel the axe thrower. It’s good to cover all your bases.
KAPLAN: I see. Do you pick what characters you play?
HOST: Sometimes. If you have enough experience, you can pitch a character and if the management likes it then they’ll get a costume together. But sometimes the management just needs some more sorcerers or dwarf princes so they’ll assign that to someone. A while back we were short on hostesses in general, so we had to have some hosts fill in for female characters.
KAPLAN: Really? Nobody minds that?
HOST: Well, management doesn’t force anyone. Uncomfortable hosts make bad profits, but they offered a pretty hefty bonus to hosts who went for it. With masks and voice changers and costumes, it’s pretty easy to pull off without anyone noticing. Even I do it sometimes. It’s fun.
KAPLAN: Yeah, I know what you mean.
(DRINKING GLASS ON TABLE.)
KAPLAN: So you’ve been here a while. Are you familiar with Skyfire Flamewing?
HOST: Sky? Yeah, she was pretty popular. Some people go crazy over the dragon types. I could never do it. The wings are so uncomfortable.
KAPLAN: I heard she stopped working recently. Do you know when that was?
HOST: Hm. About two weeks ago. I heard she retired the character for personal reasons.
KAPLAN: Just the character gets retired? So the hostess still works here?
HOST: Probably. We don’t actually know each other’s identities.
KAPLAN: Really? You don’t see each other in the dressing room or anything?
HOST: Well, we see each other sometimes, but it’s club policy to not share personal information at work. Anonymity is sacred in costume clubs.
KAPLAN: Who would know about the hosts’ actual identities?
HOST: Management knows, but they won’t tell you anything without a warrant. They’re serious about keeping that on the down-low.
KAPLAN: I see. You said Skyfire was retired for personal reasons. Any idea what those were?
HOST: Not really. It sounded like she was just tired of it. Maybe she finally got fed up with how complicated her costume was. It’s a shame, though. She had a decent amount of regulars.
KAPLAN: So you don’t think she would have been in any kind of danger or anything?
HOST: No. I haven’t heard anything about harassment. I mean, she could have gotten bored. Retiring a character after a few months is normal.
KAPLAN: Hm. All right. Thanks for the answers. You’ve been a great help.
HOST: Oh, does that mean you’re done already? You’ve still got the rest of the hour.
KAPLAN: I’ll let you know if I think of anything else. In the meantime, let’s have something to eat. What’s good here?
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
KAPLAN: (V.O.) Silver and I discussed costumes and the hosting business over a dinner that was not amazing but did the job just fine. Most of what we talked about was just because I was curious, nothing useful for the case, but I did learn a bit about backstage operations in the club. All in all, it wasn’t a bad way to spend eight credits.
(FOOTSTEPS.)
WES: So, it sounds to me like Hirsch was worried about nothing.
KAPLAN: Well, Wes. It does kind of sound like that, yes.
WES: If there’s nothing to worry about, doesn’t that mean the case is closed? You can call up the client and tell him his club girl just got tired of him.
KAPLAN: I could.
WES: If the case is over, why are you breaking into this club now?
KAPLAN: I’ve got a hunch and I want to see if I’m right.
WES: Roy.
KAPLAN: Yes, Wes?
WES: Have you gone nuts? Or do you just want to commit petty crime that badly?
KAPLAN: I just think there’s a little more to this case than a hostess that’s tired of her patrons. Digging a little deeper is my due diligence. Here we are–the service entrance. It’s after-hours now, so everyone should have gone home.
(DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS.)
KAPLAN: It’s kind of creepy back here.
WES: At this hour, most places are.
KAPLAN: Only if you scare easily. Here, come on in. It’s the costuming department.
(FOOTSTEPS.)
WES: So why are we back here?
KAPLAN: Silver told me something interesting earlier. When characters are retired, the club keeps the costumes to eventually alter and reuse them for other hosts. That means Miss Skyfire Flamewing’s costume is somewhere back here.
WES: You broke into a building to look at a costume?
(RUMMAGING THROUGH COAT RACKS.)
KAPLAN: I think you can tell a lot from someone’s costume. Especially because a lot of the hosts here take their costumes home to customize them. Take a look around, there should be a deep purple dragon costume somewhere back here.
WES: A dragon?
KAPLAN: Right. I have been informed that Skyfire Flamewing is a draconic sorceress, complete with wings.
WES: People pay to go on a date with someone dressed like a dragon? What’s wrong with meeting people the normal way?
KAPLAN: It’s just a fun thing to do, Wes. Nobody’s saying you have to date a dragon if you don’t want to.
WES: People are so strange now.
KAPLAN: I hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty damn sure people wanted to date dragons back in the 1940s, too. There just weren’t any dragons to date, then. Oh, I think I’ve found it.
(KAPLAN PULLS OUT A COSTUME.)
KAPLAN: Wow. Look at those scales, Wes. That’s amazing.
WES: It looks like it would be a pain to squeeze into. What are you looking for?
KAPLAN: Well, I wanted to see it for myself. But also, the size and height of the person who would wear this costume. You can do a lot with clothes to hide gender and size, but a tailored costume is still made to fit on a specific body.
WES: You’re trying identity this frail based on her body shape? You might be a good investigator, Roy, but you’re not that good.
KAPLAN: No, of course not. I’m not trying to find this hostess’s identity–I already know it. Look.
WES: What am I looking at?
KAPLAN: It’s a cat hair stuck to the costume. Red.
WES: What’s that mean?
KAPLAN: It means I need to pay our dear friend Lemmon another visit.
(MUSIC TRANSITION.)
(DOOR KNOCKING.)
LEMMON: (MUFFLED) Hang on, hang on. I’m coming.
(DOOR OPENS.)
LEMMON: Oh, great. It’s you again.
KAPLAN: Good morning, Mr. Lemmon. Can you spare a few minutes to talk?
LEMMON: I already told you everything I know. Go away.
KAPLAN: I know, and I appreciate it. It’s just that I was going to tell your friend Quincy about what happened to his favorite hostess and I thought maybe we should talk before I did that.
LEMMON: What’s a costume club hostess got anything to do with me?
KAPLAN: Well, I thought you might be a little upset if I told Quincy about Skyfire’s real identity.
LEMMON: (Pause) All right, come on in.
(KAPLAN ENTERS. DOOR CLOSES.)
KAPLAN: Where’s Tom?
LEMMON: Sleeping. He’s not usually awake until the afternoon. Here, take a seat.
KAPLAN: Thanks.
(KAPLAN SITS.)
KAPLAN: I think we both know what’s going on, but I’ll say it plainly. Your friend Quincy hired me because two days ago, he went to the costume club and found out his favorite hostess, Skyfire Flamewing, suddenly quit. He was worried that she was being pressured or in some kind of trouble, so he wanted me to look into it and make sure she wasn’t in danger.
LEMMON: And I guess you thought that was an easy paycheck.
KAPLAN: I don’t usually take cases like this, because I try to not be a professional stalker for hire, but I said yes this time because Quincy was very emphatic that he didn’t want to know where this hostess was, he just wanted to be sure she was safe.
LEMMON: Would you get to the point?
KAPLAN: Skyfire Flamewing is you, Mr. Lemmon.
LEMMON: Yeah? What makes you say that?
KAPLAN: It was a few things that tipped me off. One was how well-off you were. A musician doesn’t make enough money to afford the things in this apartment. You also knew Skyfire retired two weeks ago–Quincy didn’t even know that, so the only way you could have known is if you were personally acquainted with the club.
LEMMON: You saw that and decided I dress up as a magic dragon for a living? Oh my god–take a flying leap, man.
KAPLAN: It’s not just that. I looked at the Skyfire Flamewing costume. The outfit’s been tailored to fit a person of your size and build, and there are embellishments on the robes and accessories that are made of teal satin, the exact satin you’re currently wearing, if I’m not mistaken. And, of course, I found some red cat hair stuck to the costume that matches Tom’s. All together, it makes a compelling case pointing to you.
LEMMON: What–How in the hell did you–?
KAPLAN: Let me be clear. I don’t care what you do. Maybe you work at the costume club because it’s fun, or you’re doing it because it’s lucrative. Whatever. That’s none of my business. I just want to know: why did you retire Skyfire like you did?
LEMMON: What do you think? My best friend was paying tons of credits to play pretend with some girl dressed as a dragon who was never going to treat him like he deserved.
KAPLAN: That girl dressed as a dragon happened to be you. If you’re so concerned about treating Quincy right, can’t you just…do that?
LEMMON: You don’t get it. Quincy likes Skyfire. He thinks she’s the best damn thing that ever happened to him! You don’t hear how much time he spends telling me about Skyfire did this, Skyfire said that. Skyfire isn’t real! Skyfire isn’t a real dragon sorceress, she’s a fake character that Quincy is putting real love into and she can never give him anything better than stringing him along for money and dates because Skyfire is a stupid costume!
KAPLAN: You seem kind of heated about this.
LEMMON: Look, if Quincy wants to waste his time and money going on dates with fantasy women, fine! I can’t stop him. But he’s my best friend, and I won’t be the one who scams him.
KAPLAN: What, so you would be okay with it if Quincy were dating any other hostess?
LEMMON: Yes! I mean, no–it’s complicated, okay? I just–he deserves better, and–(frustrated noise)
KAPLAN: Okay, so why, exactly, does Quincy going to a costume club bother you so much?
LEMMON: Because if Quincy wants to date someone who likes costumes and roleplay, I’m right here!
(SLIGHTLY AWKWARD PAUSE.)
KAPLAN: I see.
LEMMON: (Embarrassed) I did not mean to say that out loud.
KAPLAN: So you were…jealous of your Skyfire persona that Quincy liked so much.
LEMMON: It wasn’t always like that, you know? It was fun at first. Secret identity and everything, and the food was good and who doesn’t want to be a draconic sorceress for a while? Everyone likes that. But he kept telling me about how cool and funny and great Skyfire is, and it’s just. He likes the fake me more than the real me. Don’t you see how frustrating that is?
KAPLAN: I don’t mean to tell you how to live your life, but have you considered…talking to Quincy about all this?
LEMMON: I can’t do that. It would make things weird.
KAPLAN: He said you’re his best friend. Your relationship can probably survive a conversation about how you and him share interests and you’d like to go on a date with him.
LEMMON: Yeah, but I’m a guy and he’s not into guys.
KAPLAN: Is that…something you’ve actually discussed with him? Like, has he told you that? Or are you just taking it for granted?
LEMMON: Man, get off my case. It is none of your business. You’re just gonna tell him I’m Skyfire anyways, aren’t you? So it’s not like it matters now.
KAPLAN: I didn’t say I would do that.
LEMMON: What?
KAPLAN: Quincy wanted to know if Skyfire was in any danger. She’s clearly not, so that’s my job taken care of. This is your life. You’re not hurting anyone by working as a hostess, so I don’t see why I’m obligated to tell him your secret if you don’t want me to.
LEMMON: If you weren’t going to tell him, then why did you bother coming down here?
KAPLAN: Well, I wanted to get the whole story, that’s all. Just because it sounded like you weren’t being harassed doesn’t mean nothing was happening.
LEMMON: No, I haven’t had any issues like that in ages. The Enchanted Mirror’s got a lot of good policies to protect the hosts. They’re good people.
KAPLAN: I’m glad to hear it. In that case, I think that’s all for me. I’ve got to call Quincy and let him know everything’s wrapped up. Give Tom a couple of scratches for me when he wakes up. He really is a handsome cat.
(KAPLAN GETS UP.)
LEMMON: Wait, uh, Mr. Private Investigator.
KAPLAN: Yeah?
LEMMON: Don’t tell Quincy about my job, please? I’ll…I’ll talk to him later. Okay?
KAPLAN: Sure. I can do that.
LEMMON: And…thanks.
KAPLAN: No problem. Good luck, Jerry.
(KAPLAN EXITS.)
(OUTDOORS AMBIANCE. FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS.)
KAPLAN: Another day, another case wrapped up. And nobody even died this time!
WES: Always a good sign.
(KAPLAN SITS.)
KAPLAN: So that means now I can just sit down and relax. You were right, Wes. This place is great. You can see the bay and everything.
WES: I’m surprised you wanted to come out here. I’d have thought you’d go to another one of those clubs.
KAPLAN: What, a host club? They’re all right for a bit of fun, but I don’t get much out of them.
WES: You liked it well enough yesterday.
KAPLAN: That was yesterday. Today I want to be outside and watch the sunset.
WES: That’s a bit old-fashioned.
KAPLAN: Oh, I don’t want to hear that from you of all people. Weren’t you the one complaining about kids these days and their newfangled clubs?
WES: I did not say that.
KAPLAN: Well, that’s what you were trying to say. Come on, sit down. You make me tired just looking at you.
WES: Oh, all right.
(WES SITS.)
WES: I’ve always thought these sorts of places a bit romantic. Have you ever confessed your love for someone, Roy?
KAPLAN: Me? No, I don’t really feel that way about people.
WES: Really? Never?
KAPLAN: When I was in my teens, a couple times I thought maybe…but no. Never.
WES: Don’t you get lonely?
KAPLAN: Why would I? I’ve got friends. I’ve got people I care about. I’ve got you. I’m happy with that.
(KAPLAN’S MESSAGE TONE.)
KAPLAN: Oh? Someone sent me a message.
(KAPLAN OPENS THE MESSAGE.)
KAPLAN: It’s Hirsch. He sent a picture.
WES: He did? Let me see.
KAPLAN: Looks like Lemmon’s confession went well–they’re on a paddleboat date on the river. Don’t they look happy?
WES: I’d say so. That’s good of them. Seems like it would have been easier if they hadn’t spent so long putzing around with the costumes and the clubs first.
KAPLAN: Well, you know what they say. Nobody’s perfect.
(ENDING THEME.)
OUTRO: You’ve just heard How to Date Your Dragon, the eleventh episode of Roy Kaplan: Out of Sight. Kaplan was played by Jesse Peng, Wes by Caleb Jensen. Our cast also includes: Levi Squier, Kenny Wong, Emma Foulger, and Eddy Elfman.
Roy Kaplan is written, edited, and produced by Jesse Peng. Our music is composed by Beacon, with additional music by Kevin Macleod.
This show is brought to you by The Pinwheel Lab. If you like what you hear, you can find us over at roykaplanpod on Tumblr, or on thepinwheellab.com. If you really like what you hear, you can also support us on Patreon, where you can hear the next episode a little sooner than everyone else. All financial support goes to production, and helps make Season 2 more likely to happen.
Will there finally be a danger too great for this detective to handle? Tune in next time to find out, and I’ll see you on the other side.
10 – Doctor’s Orders | Roy Kaplan Home | Out of Sight Home | 12 – Memento Mori